The courtroom phrase, “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” is something we’ve all grown up hearing this phrase in countless books, movies, and TV shows. Some of us have even heard it in an actual courtroom. This affirmation is something that we count on to ensure that people on the witness stand, speak only the truth, or risk the penalty of perjury. Ideally, it serves as a way to assist us in finding justice. But there are times when someone on the stand can be a little too honest, such as the grandmother in this joke, for example. The prosecutor thinks he’s asking her a simple question, but it turns out that no one was ready for her answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said: “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
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