18 Corny Two-Line Jokes That Are Actually Hilarious

Come admit it. We all love a good corny joke. I mean, what would an office party or family get-together be without those silly two-liners. And while alcohol isn’t necessary to get a chuckle from them, it does seem to make us laugh a bit harder. Like any joke, two-liners are all about delivery. You have to have confidence, and you can’t stumble. It also helps to tell them with extreme personality, either really goofy (like Rodney Dangerfield) or play it really straight (like Stephen Wright). Here are 18 zany two-liners that will leave your sides hurting.

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they’re efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.

Even the cake was in tiers.

11. Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism.

12. Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

13. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

14. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

15. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”